Hammers and Arrows and Shields, Oh My!
by I Wield The Pen
Summary: A collection of humorous and fluffy stories for your personal enjoyment! Latest Chapter: Vision tries out laughing for the first time, and fails miserably. The Avengers eagerly step in to teach him some technique. Feedback and ideas for future chapters are very much appreciated!
1. Suit Up!

**A/N: Alright, let me start out by saying that I've watched Captain America Civil War twice now and I'M OBSESSED. It's by far my favorite Marvel movie, so I just had to write some sort of story for it! This takes place right after Cap tells the team to "Suit Up," which left me (and other audience members, I'm sure) confused as to** _ **where**_ **they were going to change. I saw a pretty funny image on iFunny about this scene, so I drew some inspiration from it. I hope y'all like it!**

 **I do not own the Marvel Universe. If I did, however, this is how that moment would've played out.**

~o0o~

"Alright, team, let's suit up!"

Captain America's loyal supporters cheered at their leader's demand, high-fiving and sharing meaningful eye contact to the imaginary heroic music in the background, when suddenly-

"Wait… you mean right _now_?"

Steve turned to Scott Lang, who was scratching his head awkwardly. He crossed his arms, muscles noticeably bulging, and Scott shuddered at the sight. "Yeah, I mean right now. Do you have a problem submitting to my authority?"

The rest of the team looked over at the new recruit, who was currently sporting some very obvious pit stains. "No, not at all Steve! I mean Captain! Or should I call you sir? Anyway, I was just confused as to _where_ we're going to change is all." He shuffled his feet awkwardly under the Captain's steely gaze.

"We're going to change right here, right now. Alright, team, suit up!" This time the phrase didn't elicit any response from his team members. Steve looked around, confused. "Guys?"

There was some quiet coughing and nervous whistling. None of them seemed to be able to look their leader in the eye. Finally, after releasing an audible sigh, Wanda spoke up. "You expect _me_ to change right here? In front of all of these men?" She gestured to the rest of the team, eyebrows raised.

Now it was Steve's turn to feel awkward. If he said yes he'd sound like a complete pervert, and he honestly didn't even think about the fact that she was the only woman among five other men. Wanda was like a little sister to him, and while he trusted his entire team, he didn't want any of them to be tempted to turn around and sneak a peek of her while changing. On the other hand, if he said no he'd be going back on his first order to the entire team, which would screw up their whole group dynamic.

"Um… you can change in the van. The rest of us will change out here." He beamed at his solution, clapping his hands together loudly. "Alright, _now_ we can suit up!"

"Cap, we're at an airport," Sam muttered, scrunching up his nose slightly. "Not exactly the most discreet place to change clothes. What if people walk in on us?"

"I'm not wearing underwear," Bucky declared. Everyone's heads swiveled over to him, their expressions ranging from disgust to admiration. His cheeks flushed under the sudden attention. "What? I just figured that may be relevant information at this time."

At this point the Captain was pinching the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut. The rest of the team didn't notice, continuing their discussion.

"There's also the chance that Tony and the rest of them will show up any second," Clint offered, crossing his arms. "They could easily spot us if we change out in the open. Imagine facing them in nothing but our underwear?"

"We'd be a laughingstock," Sam agreed. "Although some of us wouldn't be too humiliated," he added, lifting his shirt to show off his abs. Wanda scoffed at the sight, earning a dirty look from the Falcon. She rose up her hands in defense.

"What? I mean nothing against you, Sam. It's just that all of you would be competing against a shirtless Steve Rogers."

"Aw, Damn it!" The previously shirtless Ant Man tugged his sweater back on, glaring at Captain America.

Steve cleared his throat loudly, gaining back the attention of his team. "Alright, guys, that's enough. Clint made a good point, earlier: Tony and the rest of them could show up here any second, and we'll just be standing around in our civilian clothing arguing about which Avenger would be the hottest naked!"

"Black Widow," Scott muttered softly.

"So we need to suck it up and suit up! If anyone sees us changing, then we deal with it!" The Captain promptly slipped his shirt over his head, giving a pointed look to the rest of his team. They sighed, lapsing into an awkward silence interrupted by nothing but the unbuckling of belts and sounds of clothing hitting the floor. Wanda obediently did the same in the privacy of the van.

Everything was fine until the sound of footsteps slapping against the pavement started to come their way. Steve faltered slightly before determinedly taking off his pants, choosing to ignore the disturbance. He figured that if they all just kept on doing what they were doing the civilian would just pass on by without overthinking the situation. Hopefully they would simply assume they were a group of friends changing clothes after a long trip. At the airport. In the parking lot. Totally normal, right?

The footsteps got closer. He paused before unzipping the bag that held his Captain America suit, worried the stranger would contact the authorities. No doubt the news broadcasts and local papers had slandered his name, demanding his arrest. A quick glance around showed him that everyone else was thinking the same thing, averting their eyes from whoever was about to pass by and concealing their costumes and weapons.

The footsteps stopped. He heard a gasp. After several seconds of silence passed, Steve Turned to face whoever had walked into this awkward situation.

It was a woman. That alone wouldn't have been too big of a deal, but this woman was so old it looked like the blink of an eye would spook her into swallowing her own dentures. Even worse, she just happened to be holding hands with whom Steve could only assume to be her granddaughter, who couldn't have been more than five years old. Both of them were staring at the group of underwear-clad men, the woman in horror, the granddaughter in confusion. The rest of the guys stared at Steve. They're wide eyes sent a pretty clear message: _"You're the Captain, you deal with this!"_ Steve awkwardly cleared his throat and looked back at the citizens.

"Ladies," he finally choked out, nodding his head respectfully. He silently prayed that he wasn't wearing the Pokémon themed underpants Natasha had gotten him as a joke. The woman continued to stare, but not at the men. Furrowing his eyebrows, he followed her gaze to the van. Wanda had already finished changing, so she simply lay down and closed her eyes in the back of the van while waiting for the rest of them to finish. From the woman's perspective, it probably appeared as if she were sleeping.

Inside of a white van.

Surrounded by nearly naked men.

Oh dear God.

Suddenly realizing the appearance of the situation, Steve turned to the horrified lady to explain, but the little girl interrupted him before he had a chance to explain himself.

"What's that, Nana?"

Her tiny finger was pointed right between Bucky's legs, whose face was as red as Vision's. "Told you I wasn't wearing underwear," he said weakly, shrugging his shoulders.

"Look, ma'am," Scott began, cautiously approaching the woman. "It's not what it looks li- AGGHHHHHHHHH!"

Scott reared back, clutching his eyes and stumbling around like a baby deer. The woman's arm was outstretched, and she was holding a rather menacing bottle of pepper spray. She was shaking, but not with fear. "How dare you hooligans besmirch that young girl's virtue?!" She shrieked, pushing her granddaughter behind her.

"No, lady, there's no-er- _besmirching_ going on here," Clint said, hands out in a calming gesture. Steve nodded in agreement, taking a tentative step towards the woman.

That was a huge mistake.

Suddenly she was grasping a large green bag that smelled heavily of perfume, flailing it around in the air while screaming a violent battle cry. Steve and Clint managed to dive out of the way, but it socked Sam in the stomach, sending him sprawling on the floor.

"What the hell's in that thing, bowling balls?" he wheezed.

"Animal crackers," the granddaughter corrected, smiling cheerfully.

After some more screaming and dodging of the multiple items the lady happened to have in her bag, they were able to calm her down. Wanda came out and confirmed that she was not an innocent young woman who they kidnapped and drugged. She made up a tale on the spot, claiming to actually be their good friend who had locked their clothing in the van as a joke. Fortunately the woman bought their story (she didn't bother wondering how Wanda would have access to all of their clothes in the first place) and didn't recognize any of them as members of the Avengers. She apologized, even giving the red-eyed Scott some animal crackers to make amends. He glared at her as she waddled away, chomping the head off of an elephant cracker as she did so.

"I don't like her," Sam muttered, still clutching his stomach.

"I can't believe I let Clint lure me away from the base and into a white van," Wanda added, earning a playful nudge from him.

"Alright, guys! Now that that's over, let's-"

"How many times are you going to say that phrase, Steve? Let's just hurry up and put some clothes on. It's chilly out here." Everyone glanced over at the Winter Soldier, momentarily forgetting that he was stark naked. Wanda suppressed her scream, merely emitted a small squeak while Steve and Clint hastily covered her eyes.

"…Oops."

 _Finally_ , after five more minutes of shimmying into suits and awkwardly asking each other for help with the zippers, they were ready. Steve looked down the line of heroes, smile growing at each determined face staring back at him. "Good job, guys. You suited up."

~o0o~

 _Later On…_

"We need a distraction!" Steve shouted, hurling his shield over at Black Panther just before he clawed out Bucky's eyes.

"I have something, but I can't hold it for long!" Scott said.

"Hold that thought, Lang," Wanda interrupted. "Save whatever trick you have up your sleeve for later. I have something that I _know_ will work."

"Then go for it, Wanda! We believe in you!"

"Thanks, Steve. And Bucky, I'll go ahead and apologize in advance.

"Apologize for what?"

Without replying, Scarlet Witch promptly stopped hurling cars at their enemies and closed her eyes, concentrating on the one image she wanted to project. She twisted her hands in a methodical matter, red light sparking from her fingertips. In one swift movement she flicked her wrists outward, sending out the frozen memory.

"OH GOOD LORD, WANDA!"

Iron Man was the first to react.

"STEVE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LETTING HER DO? AHHH, MY EYES!"

"The Winter Soldier continues to insult me with this attempt at showing dominance!" T'Challa growled, attempting to shake the image out of is head.

"I've seen better," Natasha announced, dodging one of Clint's arrows.

"Woah, you can send mental pictures using your mind? That's the coolest power ever! Good thing the guys at my school can't do this, or a whole bunch of people would be receiving images like these in their brain!"

Tony moaned. "Great, you even sent it to the kid. That's just perfect."

"I can't focus, Tony!" Rhodey complained. "I see it every time I blink! It's like its staring me in the face!"

Amidst his team members' confusion and general disgust, Vision had completely ceased fighting, instead floating in stunned silence and staring at Wanda. Sure, he was less than a year old, but even he knew what _that_ was and what it probably meant for her to have seen it.

 _Wanda_ , he started, telepathically sending her his thoughts, _why…how… in what situation did you see his… area?_

 _Well, after I left the base Hawkeye drove me in a white van. Then Captain America told me to take off my clothes inside of the van while he and the rest of the men took off their clothes as well, and at one point I saw his… you know what._

Wanda was no idiot; she knew exactly how that would sound to Vision. While he was perhaps her closest friend out of all of the Avengers, she still wasn't over him trying to keep her trapped in that building. She understood that he truly meant the best through his action… but she had the right to freak him out a little, didn't she?

Of course, she didn't expect him to immediately swoop down and gently gather her in his arms, speeding away from the fight while he shouted "Those of you involved in this shall experience my wrath!" in the most furious tone she's ever heard him use. She mentally noted to explain the situation to him _after_ Steve and Bucky made a successful escape.

"Judging from everyone's reactions, I'm pretty sure Wanda send them an image of my-"

"Yeah, she did, Buck," Steve affirmed, cutting off his best friend. "We should probably get going now, though."

"Yeah, sounds good."

With Vision gone and the rest of the team preoccupied, Steve and Bucky made their escape. Oblivious to their departure, Scott continued to talk to them as if they were still amidst the battle. "Guys, I have another distraction we can use if we need it! I don't want to give anything away, but it's a _big_ deal! Yeah, it'll be a _huge_ surprise! Wait, let me think of another…"

"Oh, cool, the small guy can make his body huge as well!" Peter chirped, having overheard Scott's bragging.

"Damn it, spiderling!"

"SpiderMAN!"

~o0o~


	2. Can Androids Laugh?

**A/N: First of all, I want to thank those of y'all who read and reviewed this story! Thank you SO much! It's because of you guys that I decided to go ahead and write another chapter so quickly** **If anyone had any fun story ideas for future chapters just shoot me a message and I'll try to make it happen!**

 **I (sadly) do not own the Avengers**

~o0o~

"…and then this old guy shows up out of nowhere and says 'package for Tony _Stank!'"_

Rhodey smacked his glowering best friend on the back, his crows of laughter mixing with the general merriment in the room. It was several months after the fiasco that had split the team apart, but after another crisis struck earth the Avengers reunited once more to save all of mankind. In return the government pardoned Captain America and his followers' crimes, and after a surprisingly tearful embrace between Tony and Steve, they were one big family again.

Of course, those several months of separation meant a whole bunch of stories they've missed.

Now, the once lifeless living room of the Avengers headquarters had two extra couches dragged in to accommodate all of the people lounging there. Rhodey, sporting his new and improved walking brace, sat on the end of the first couch along with Tony, Sam, and Steve. Natasha was sprawled out on the second couch with her feet in Clint's lap. The third couch was occupied by Thor (who returned for the most recent battle and happily agreed to stick around for another week or so), Vision, Wanda, and Peter. The youngest recruit still couldn't shut up about how cool he thought the Scarlet Witch's powers were, but while she brushed off his compliments with teasing grins and eye rolls, she secretly cherished his wonderment.

T'Challa and Scott sat in separate arm chairs, the former listening in amused silence to the boisterous conversation, the latter dropping snarky comments at any given opportunity. Banner was still MIA and Bucky was still on ice, but for one afternoon it seemed that the entire team silently agreed to drop all other concerns to enjoy the moment.

"Wait, wait, I got a better one!" Tony announced, leaping to his feet in a grand gesture. "So I drove all the way to Queens to pick up our new recruit here. You all know Spidey, right?"

The teen didn't notice that all eyes had landed on him until Wanda cleared her throat, interrupting his tangent on the practical uses of telekinesis. "Oh. Um, P-Peter," he clarified, giving an awkward half-wave to the crowd.

"Aaaanyway," Tony continued, strolling over to sit on the armrest by the kid, "I offered him one of the most exclusive memberships the world has to offer: to join the Avengers, and as a teenager no less! Honestly, you'd think he'd be on his hands and knees begging for the position. Instead, do you know what he said to me when I offered to fly him out to Germany?"

He paused for dramatic effect, eyes raking the crowd. Finally he turned to Peter, nodding at him. He sighed, dropping his head. "I said I had homework."

The entire room exploded with laughter at his comment, covering their mouths and wiping away tears of mirth. Natasha snorted so hard she rolled right off the couch, which only made her laugh even harder.

Vision observed this scene with the utmost fascination. He had recently been attempting to analyze and understand different human emotions. Since his birth he's experienced happiness, sadness, anger, confusion, and quite possibly love according to some teasing by his fellow Avengers, but this reaction was caused by some sort of feeling he couldn't comprehend. He found Tony's story amusing, but he wasn't compelled to stretch his mouth and release a series of vowel sounds like his companions were.

 _Perhaps I need to experience this sensation in order to understand it,_ Vision reasoned with himself. Everyone else was still laughing, even Peter at this point, so he tentatively cleared his throat and parted his lips.

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha…ha?" Everyone had gone completely silent, staring at the now ridiculously uncomfortable android.

 _Well, now I have officially experienced embarrassment._

"Did I express my enjoyment incorrectly?" He questioned after several seconds of awkward silence had passed.

"Wait… was that supposed to be _laughter_? As in, humorous laughter?" Scott shook his head sympathetically. "No offense, but that's the laugh of someone who's about to jump off a bridge."

"Jumping off a bridge is not humorous."

"Exactly."

This slowly sunk in, and Vision hung his head in shame at his failed attempt. Thor, sensing his friend's embarrassment, gave him a hearty slap on the shoulder that would've shattered the clavicle of any normal human.

"Why, our friend here is just incapable of expressing his merriment! As his brothers-"

"A _hem_!"

"-and sisters," he added, gesturing to the nodding to Black Widow, "it is our duty to teach him this custom."

The Avengers murmured their general agreement, and just like that Vision was now the center of attention. He squirmed uncomfortably.

"I thank you for your concern," he managed to reply, uneasy about the sudden interest they all had but at the same time desperate for help.

Steve stood up, automatically going into military training mode. "Alright, first let's hear that laugh again. Everyone take mental notes."

If he were capable of sweating, he would've been doing so at that moment. "Okay. Um… Ha ha ha ha-"

"Oh, Vision, you gotta stop, man." He swiveled to face Tony, startled. "That was stiffer than the Queen of England at a funeral. Laughter is supposed to be loose." He demonstrated this concept by leaning back and chuckling loudly before regaining a serious expression, gesturing for him to try again.

This time Vision stood, forehead creased in concentration. He attempted to lean back and laugh as Tony did, but instead appeared even more rigid and awkward.

"No, no, no, the posture isn't the problem," Sam interrupted. "It's the speed at which you're laughing. There's like a two second pause between each 'ha.'"

"And it would help to add varying tones and volumes to each of your bursts of laughter," Natasha added, still lying on the floor. "Even Siri has more expression than you. No offense."

"HAhahAHahahaHaAA?"

The entire room groaned in unison at this attempt, causing the android to cringe.

"…Not quite," Steve managed to comment, strategically scanning Vision. "I see that this will be a lot harder than I previously thought."

Eventually Steve wrote a list of all of the suggestions from fellow team members for Vision to acquire the most human laugh. It read as follows:

 **Loosen posture**

 **Speed up laughing rate**

 **Include varying tones and volumes**

 **Smile**

 **Actually smile, don't bare your teeth like a wild dog**

 **Use hands to emphasize your glee**

 **Try not to twitch right eye so much**

 **Don't smack Thor in the face while using hands to emphasize glee**

 **You're enjoying yourself, not taking a dump**

 **If all else fails, go for the silent wheezing laugh**

 **Scratch that, silent laugh is even more awkward**

An hour had passed with no real progress, leaving the Avenges scratching their heads while Vision sulked. "I apologize for wasting your time," he sighed, rising as if he were about to leave."

"I don't think we've been looking at this the right way." Vision turned to T'Challa, whose eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought. "We've been trying to _teach_ something that should come _naturally._ "

If anything, that made Vision feel even worse. Did this mean he was even more synthetic than he thought?

"I see what you're saying," Peter agreed, nodding slowly. "We've basically been instructing you on how to fake laughter when you feel like the situation demands it. The real thing you should be looking for is what you personally find funny."

"What I find funny?" He cocked his head at the thought, a glimmer of hope dancing in his eyes.

"That makes sense," Clint agreed. "Tony's jokes generally suck-"

"Hey!"

"-And you probably don't even know what homework is. Therefore that story isn't necessarily one that you would find humorous."

"Is homework not work from home?" Thor asked, confused. "I thought that was a fairly obvious term." Natasha leaned over from her spot on the floor to whisper in his ear. His expression changed from one of confusion to one of mirth. "Oh! Ha HA! He would rather participate in schooling assignments than fight with earth's mightiest heroes? Poor lad!" Peter yelped and dodged one of Thor's bone-smashing "pats," leaping an impressive height up in the air and landing back down on the couch.

"Honestly, Vision, you may not even be prone to laughter. Some men find things humorous, but respond in ways other than laughter. You may fall into that category." Vision nodded at T'Challa, grateful for that statement.

"I thank you all again. I now know that I just have to experience this world more to find whatever makes me laugh- if whatever that is does exist."

The Avengers cheered at his statement, causing a genuine grin to spread across his face. It wasn't laughter, but it was a promising start.

~o0o~

 _Two hours later…_

Vision scanned the room around him in a content silence. His teammates had laughed themselves to the point of exhaustion and collapsed wherever they deemed the most comfortable. Vision himself was sandwiched on the couch: Thor was snuggling with his hammer to his left, and Wanda was passed out on his right with her head on his lap. Peter somehow ended up off of the couch and onto the chandelier, having secured himself there with his man-made spider webs.

The android didn't require any sleep to recharge, though sometimes he would lapse into periods of deep meditation during the night. Right now he was happy where he was, smiling softly while gazing out at his snoring companions and stroking Wanda's hair. It was a pristine moment.

Then again, even androids got bored.

Reaching for the remote, he slightly shifted his position and turned on the TV, confident that the Avengers were in too deep a sleep to wake up from the noise. He scrolled through the long list of shows Tony had pre-downloaded, settling on one which he had never heard of before on the top of the list.

"Hmm… a show about an explorer? That sounds interesting." He hit play.

…

…

…

"BWAHAHAHHAHAHA!"

Steve sprang up off his seat, knocking heads with Sam in the process. Natasha sat up in a defensive position, and Peter yelped from his position on the chandelier, rolling over and plummeting to the ground before Wanda froze him in midair, still blushing from the position she had woken up in. The rest of the Avengers were in similar states, startled and groggy.

"Geez, Vis, what's going on?" Clint grumbled, lowering the arrow he had instinctively cocked.

"Yeah, you laughed so hard it made me fall out of my chair!" Scott, realizing what exactly he just said, scrambled up to a sitting position. "Wait… you laughed?"

A collective gasp sucked all of the air out of the room as they all turned to stare at the android, who was now stifling his chuckles with the back of his hand. "I- hehe- ahem- apologize sincerely. I was just fascinated by this television program."

Tony took a long look at the screen before looking back at Vision, eyebrows raised. "Dora the Explorer?"

"There's a purple backpack who converses with a young Mexican child! Purple backpacks can't talk!" He began laughing in earnest again, and after a few seconds, Tony joined in.

"Well, if it's Dora the Explorer you like, than Dora the Explorer it is! That shows been on for years. There's probably a billion seasons."

"There's _more_?!"

"This calls for celebration!" Thor rose to his feet, beaming proudly at his friend. "A pint of mead for everyone, on me!"

"I'm underage," Peter weakly argued, but he wasn't heard amongst everyone's resounding cheers.

After the noise had died down a bit Rhodey raised his hand, gaining everyone's attention. "I hate to be the annoying old crippled man here, but it's three in the morning and we all haven't slept for two days."

"Oh… then we shall get mead tomorrow!"

Another chorus of cheers rang out as everyone dragged themselves from the living room and into their respective beds. Vision pretended to do the same, but doubled back after the last person had left to watch another episode.

"A boot-clad monkey? How fascinating!"

~o0o~


End file.
